How to have good sex: what a big question, and one there is no perfect answer for! However, we spoke to Laura Miano, an incredible sex expert who kindly offered her wealth of wisdom on this topic to open up conversation, communication, and discovery.
Are you ready to turn up the heat again? We’re here to help you to find out what is stopping you, physically and mentally, from showing up to the love life you’ve been longing for.
In the blog we will uncover self-doubt, myths and misperceptions about sex and provide tips to help you get in the mood, alongside things you need to know to have the best sex ever - all with advice from someone who knows best.
Review your expectations
If you’re struggling in your sexual relationship, and experiencing “a dissonance between the sex you want to have and the sex you are having”, Laura says there are a few things to consider.
One way to start, Laura recommends you “Review your expectations.”
What does this mean? Well, first of all know there’s no such guide for how to have good sex - it’s not a one size fits all! Good sex is what feels good to you. As Laura says:
“We live in a hyper-sexualized society where messages around sex promote performance, having orgasms, lasting for a certain amount of time, doing certain acts, in a certain sequence etc. Sometimes people feel pressure to live up to these unrealistic and 'generic' standards so the most important thing to first do is consider if you want these things because you think you 'should' have them or if there is a true (sexual) desire for them.”
Identify the issues
What are the problems stopping you from feeling fulfilled, engaged, and excited in your sex life. During sex, what’s happening? Laura recommends asking yourself: “Are you not communicating your desires? Are you zoning out during sex? Does your partner not pleasure you like you want?”
Sex isn’t just about sex. Laura notes that “there are many reasons why your sex life might not be doing so well.” And although it’s tricky to offer advice without having a client session, Laura shares that “some of the most common reasons why people fail to have the sex they want are because they don't pursue pleasure during sex, they don't communicate with their partners, they don't listen to what their body wants (which can be very hard when one experiences sexual anxiety), and they become too focused on doing sex 'right'.”
Laura recommends it’s time to go back to basics.
“Have a chat with your partner or think to yourself (if you are single) about what it is you like sexually and want to explore next time you're having sex. Make a conscious effort to communicate these desires during sex and try to fight off the automatic 'switch off' that can happen during sex, where you zone out and go on autopilot. Take deep breaths, take sex slow and ask yourself in the moment - what do I want to do and/or feel right now.”
*Important note: As Laura says, everyone's story is different, so know that this advice might be effective for some but not for others. If you have trauma, sexual dysfunctions, relationship stress or any other challenges present in your relationship, it’s best to seek professional advice from a sex expert for your personal situation.
Tips for getting in the mood:
Laura has provided us with three tips to get in the mood:
- Get relaxed - your sex drive switches off when your body is in the flight or fight response i.e. stressed. Therefore, have a warm bath, meditate, do some yoga, put relaxing music on, get a massage, or do any other relaxation technique that is part of your self care routine.
- Play with eroticism - sex doesn't start in the bedroom, sex starts when you start activating your eroticism. Whether that is fantasizing about the different things you want to do during your solo or partnered sexual experience later, tapping into pleasure throughout the day like going to the beach, dancing, doing your self-care routine. All of these things can bring you pleasure and that's what sex is - pleasure! So if you get closer to pleasure in other ways, it'll be easier to find it when you're having sex.
- General self care - have a good night's sleep, eat well, exercise, drink enough water, stay socially connected. These all improve your mental health and as your brain is the biggest sexual organ, it pays off big time to look after your mind.
Everyone is different
We all want to have good sex in any sexual and romantic relationship - but there is no one size fits all. As Laura says, “Although you might read about different techniques to 'crack the sex code', the truth is, everyone enjoys sex differently. The best way to have the best sex ever is to find out what feels good for you through self exploration and curiosity. Pursuing your own pleasure, however that manifests for you, is the most effective way to have the best sex ever.”
Laura also put together some tips that you may find helpful:
- Slow sex down - when you slow sex down, you have more time to feel and perceive the little, but powerful intricacies of sex. It also gives your body time to become aroused which for vulva owners takes a lot longer than penis owners.
- Use your breath - taking long and deep breaths during sex can help you drop into your body and remain more present. If you do this with your partner, you can create a really intimate moment of connection.
- Communicate with your partner - ask them about their deepest pleasures, share yours with them, create a space where you can speak openly about what feels good and what doesn't and practice regular check-ins i.e. asking for consent. It's so important for all parties to be enjoying themselves during sex, from a welfare perspective and a sexual pleasure perspective!
- Be playful - sex doesn't have to be serious. Playful, cheeky, and flirty interactions are a great way to connect with your partner and bring fun into sex.
We hope this conversation has given you confidence to shake things up, communicate, slow down, be playful and bring the joy and pleasure back into your sex life without any pressure of expectation. For long-term relationships, we also have a fantastic blog post with advice from relationship therapist Eboni Harris.
Thank you so much to Laura Miano for her advice and wisdom on this topic - you can find out more about Laura on her Instagram where you can read her other wonderful articles and advice on all things sex and relationships.